an inside peak into my process.

I have big dreams for what I want to do in the world and these dreams are a blend of what I want for myself and what I want to share with others.

Right now, nothing special is happening. Thank God.
As my dream of a peaceful world, invigorated with joy and creative expression, continues to unfold in my life, I appreciate how gentle and gradual it is. When I was younger, I experienced specific moments when I felt the presence of truth within me as me. Some of these moments still stand out in memory, but they are like signs pointing toward a destiny that is just that much closer the less attention I pay to the signs. Being acquainted with the destiny of myself here and now gave me the confidence to commit to healing the parts of myself who are not acquainted with the truth. In other words, the presence of love within me gives me the vision to see through my own denial of the love within me.

Right now, I continue healing work on myself through gentle, nearly unnoticeable spiritual practices (mostly related to A Course In Miracles as well as a form of inner dialogue that adresses emotional reactions in a split mind), seeking professional counseling, and taking the steps to start my own business as a professional portrait painter, which I hope will lead to earning a fun living making art.  

Quiet, resigned, inward

Why do I resist looking and listening within when I feel the build-up of emotion from issues I'm avoiding? I get really fragile and burst out in tears at the least provocation. Just a thought will do it. Just seeing a scene in a movie where the girl is looking lovingly at the man of her dreams. Blam! I'm a fountain. Then when I finally do turn my attention within, there's a well of peaceful, profound wisdom. The resistance to this process is perplexing.

If love is what God is, then through love all things are possible, all happiness accessible, and the eternal desire to share love completely fulfilled. I'm only rolling this idealism around because it's the byproduct of my sanity restored after falling deeply and passionately in love with a certain other person. There I was, alone in the kitchen, with my attention so gently and firmly fixed on her in my mind. Knowing that it would be awhile before I'd see her again and even longer still before we'd be ready to explore a relationship together, I let my love extend to her. It happens so fluidly and generously when I think of her. And eventhough she is not here, I am still free to love her as generously as I feel. My thoughts turn to Jesus and I imagine what freedom he must have discovered when he woke up in Heaven beyond the strung out dissection of NOW we call time to know all of us in our transcendent oneness. I imagine that it is possible to have a relationship with the Christ in each person and that that being is beyond time and space and, therefore, is present right here right now and forever. So while it seems that she is away in her own home, out of my life for the moment, the truth is that the who she really is is here now loving me and being loved by me. It's not a delusion. It's love. It's a miracle! Yes, this is very comforting to me, but it is also beyond comforting. I have discovered that as I let go of my attachment to her more and more deeply, the love that I had focused on her is centered within myself and extends to every person I encounter. (This hasn't happened by itself, of course, but is the result of diligent, insightful effort.) The loving being I really am was aroused by her to reach out to everyone, not to her alone. So while my ego would have me obsess over her as a love possession, Spirit uses this as an opportunity to apply what I discovered (about the love in me) in as many different situations with as many people as possible. And it's allllllllll gooooooood ;) just ask the passengers in my taxi. They gets lots o' love!